Night at the ER

Man… my weekend was absurd. I had all these blog posts planned. I have some funny stuff. Life exploded in my face as it tends to do sometimes. This weekend was spent at a wedding and then in an emergency room. I was awake for 28 hours, and missed watching the Steelers get rocked by the Ravens. WTF BEN!! HOLD ON TO THE GOD DAMN BALL!! THAT SCORE WAS INEXCUSABLE!!! (Okay I got that out of my system) Everything with the ER situation is good, and that is a story I am not inclined to share, however… I will share my waiting room experience. I told my mother this tale as we were propped on some cots at 7:30 in the morning. I can’t remember the last time my mom and I laid together and laugh so hard.  A lot of  things were happening all at once.  So I am going to focus on the individual stories instead of time sequence.

Tammy

Me & BigPapa are sitting in the ER. The Michigan/Notre Dame game is on, we’re entertained and quiet. That game was kind of sick. I am not a huge fan of either team, and the last two minutes had me stressed the hell out.

Anyway in walks Tammy. I hear this squeaky voice saying she got hit in the head with a door and then proceeds on a diatribe of Saturday that left me unable to figure out why exactly she was at the ER, because the door seemed to do no damage. I came to the no damage was done by the door conclusion when I turned to see where the voice was coming from. What I saw caused me to get up and go sit next to BigPapa.

Me: I am sorry I had to see this.

Tammy is wearing fleece pink pajama pants with teddy bears all over them, a matching pink pajama top, a turquoise and purple generic horsey pillow pet with crazy eyes, and a pink back pack.

BigPapa: Don’t you start.

Me: She is carrying a giant horsey pillow pet, and in pink pajamas!!! (Yes, this was a protest to the fact this was a goldmine of hilarity.) Yes I pick on crazys… Check out Dennis Leary’s asshole song, it’s all me baby.  Except trashing our flag, I appreciate my country and the people fighting for it.   Especially the people the guys currently in, Krieg & ElJeffy and the guys who have done their terms and  served in wars, Uncle Bob, StudPuppy’s Dad, Grandpap, Gabe, and everyone else those are just some of my favorite veterans and active military.  :)

BigPapa:  What gets me is the pink backpack.

Me:  She’s Dora.  She needed her map, ‘Blueberry field, Mountain, Hospital’

We watch Tammy for a few.   She seems to know EVERYONE working int he ER.  She must get frequent cougher miles or something.  She gets called back, and we go back to watching the game.   We rip on my mom and the way she destroys meat when she cooks it.   We discuss the game, and a few other things that I am not remembering.

Sometime later Tammy comes out.  She is carrying about 6 packets of Zesta Saltines and she sits back down in the waiting room.   Like 10 minutes later the reception girl brings her blankets and she curls up on a bench with them.  BigPapa goes, “What is this?  Is she spending the night?”  I laugh.

Eventually my mom comes up and tells BigPapa to go home.  He has to get up for work at 4:30am and it was about midnight at this point.  So we make a plan.  BigPapa takes me to my house, I get my car and go back to the hospital, and he goes and gets some sleep for work.

Melissa a.k.a Human Knarfenna

I am not sure if BigPapa was still at the ER for Melissa or not.  I only made mental notes about her, and she only stood out because if my insane cat Knarfenna were human, she would be Melissa.

Melissa was tallish, maybe 5’8 and thin as hell.  Super thin.  Seriously, super models would be like “damn bitch, eat something.”   She came in with her hand wrapped in a white towel that was blood covered.  She checked in at the desk, and only caught my attention because of how things she was, how tight her clothes were, and and fact that the towel was blood covered.  I am squeamish.  She checks in and goes to the ladies room.

A guy comes out from behind the emergency room door and calls Melissa.  The receptionist says, “I think she is in the ladies room.”  He goes back behind the door.   Melissa comes out of the ladies room.  A guard from the door approaches her holding out a piece of paper.  Melissa backs away like a scared cat.  She moves slowly and in a circlish kind of way like she is looking to cut and run.  He puts up his hands, and his body language says, “I mean you no harm.” and he says, “I wanted to give you this” and holds out the paper again.   Melissa looks at him out of the side of her eye and takes a couple steps forward just close enough to take the paper and runs backwards again.   It reminded me of when I was trying to get Fenna to trust me and was luring her to me with lunch me and she would grab it and run away.

As the paper exchange was taking place the guy from behind the door comes out and says, “Melissa again”  Her attention turns from the paper in her hand to the guy.  He says, “Come on time to go back.”  She starts backing away from him in the same fear cut and run circle.   I start to really wonder what has happened to this lady.   She cuts and she runs.  The receptionist yells, “SHE’S INTOXICATED WE CAN’T LET HER LEAVE!”  The guards take flank at the doors.  Melissa runs back in.  The nurse guy goes, “Come on we want to take you back and get you cleaned up, and stitch your hand.”  Melissa starts crying and do the circle dance again.  She does not want stitches.  He calmly tells her she really needs them and gets her to go back.   I have to give him credit he did a good job.  I would have had no idea what to do with this lady.

The Frat Boys

I am sitting there watching Sports Center and the guard wheels a guy in, in a wheel chair.  He is out cold.

The guard mumbles something about his buddies.   The receptionist mumbles something about ODing.

Receptionist:  HE WAS HERE LIKE THAT LAST NIGHT!!!

Guard:  His buddies are coming in.

I see a bunch of guys all in white t-shirts and beat up shorts.     Drunk guy’s feet are falling out of the wheel chair.  One of frat guys are trying to put them back in over and over again.  They try to sit him up.  He falls out of the chair.  They start pulling him back into the chair.   Just then a team of people in scrubs come out.  There were about six of them.  It kind of looked like a team of waiters in T.G.I Fridays about to sing Happy Birthday. Except they were all wearing blue scrubs and their “flair” was varying shades of rubber gloves.   They pull him up in the chair and also comment about him being there in the same state the night before, and wheel him back.

Receptionist:  All you guys know is his name?  You can’t tell me anything else?  His Birthday?

Frat boy texts someone

Frat Boy One:  His birthday is…

Frat Boy Two:  We just found him that way

Receptionist:  Was he under a bed again

Frat Boy Three: laughs No.  He was sitting at a table with his head down.  He kept saying he was tried and we woke him a few times, but then we could not wake him up.

They all go sit down, and a fourth Frat Boy appears.  He turns a chair to face the other three frat boys, he’s the leader.

Frat Boy President:  Can you believe that cop was arguing with me about the amnesty law.  It says if you bring someone for treatment underage no one gets in trouble, because they would rather have that and die.  I know I am right, I had a seminar and stuff on this.

They talk some about what their story is.  What happened is they went to a bar, drunk guy was there, and he did not have much to drink.  They were speculating that there could be other drugs in his system, but they don’t know.  They try to devise a plan to get the tox screen from the night before, but can’t come up with anything that does not involve calling his parents.  I am thinking, “BONE HEADS!! If he was there the night before with alcohol poisoning, and he drank again, it is not going to take much to poison him again, since he has not given anything time to leave his system!”   They talk some more, call some people.  Some chick got into a bar fight, and they discuss how awesome she is.  Three more frat boys show up, and give a status on their other drunk friends.  Frat boy president makes some calls and instructs them to put one guy to sleep on the couch and make sure he is on his side.

Frat Boy President:  You guys are fine.  The house is fine.  I am the president and the one ultimately responsible for stuff like this. I get to take the heat for this, if they call campus.  You guys are all good.  We are doing the right thing.

They talk some more, and I am mildly entertained by them.  A nurse comes out and says he is fine, and that they have to keep him until he sobers up some.  She tells them to come back around 6am.  They give phone numbers.  They make a plan for morning and one of them actually announces, “READY BREAK” before they all turn and leave.

SE-CUR-ITY

A security guard in a uniform differing from the hospital security comes in.  Sits and is eventually taken back to be seen.  I would not have taken anymore note of him, except for what happens when he is released.   He comes out and sits in the waiting room, and sorts himself out.  Maybe he is waiting for someone to come pick him up.  Who knows.   Shortly after he comes out a guy in a flannel, white t-shirt, his belly hanging out, jeans, and a arm sling comes out.  He walks over to the just release guard and this happens.

Belly Guy:  The lady back there told me to see the officer out front about bus tickets.  I need a bus.  The police brought me down. I could call them to take me back, but that would land me with a trip to Allegheny County Jail.

Guard:  I don’t work here.  I was a patient.

Belly Guy:  JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE THAT WORKS HERE!! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT!!!  (mini-mumble rant)

Belly Guy is pacing and carrying on when Hospital Security walks through.

Belly Guy:  ARE YOU THE GUY I SEE ABOUT BUS TICKETS?  THAT OTHER GUARD DON’T KNOW SHIT!

Security Guard:  Where do you need to go?

Belly Guy:  Homestead.  Are there even buses at this hour?  Where do I go?  I only have ever taken inaudible bus.

The security guard gives him some directions and sends him on his way.

Holy Crap Zombies are Attacking Gays!!!

I am sitting there and this guy comes in in ripped up jeans, no shirt, and a flannel shirt balled up on his forehead.  He is COVERED in blood.  It is on his face, his arms, his torso, his jeans, and he is dripping it everywhere.  He looks like he was on the front lines of the gnome zombie apocalypse.  Seriously, he was straight up out of a horror film.  My brain even went, no way that is real blood, maybe he is an actor, OH SHIT THAT IS REAL BLOOD LOOK AWAY GROSS! (yeah my head said it with no punctuation) The receptionist looks up at him and makes a holy shit face.  The guard follows him in.  The guy says in they gayest gay lisp I have every heard:

Zombie Victim:  I need to see a doctor, right away.

Receptionist:  I’ll say

Guard: (now holding wheel chair) Would you like to sit down?

Zombie Victim:  Yeah! Woo! I was starting to feel a little dizzy.

My thoughts:  That’s a fucking understatement.

In comes the Happy Birthday crew again.  Some one looks and says something about a 3 something laceration above the eye, and they ask what happened, but wheel him away at the same time.

The guard has on gloves now and is wiping the desktop off with a rag, and out the door walks a guy with a mop cart, and they clean up.

Frat Boys II

In between all these my mom has come up frantically searching her phone for social security numbers, due to some insurance fuck up.  After zombie guy I get a call from the nurses station on my phone, and I am sent to her house to get some information and come back to the hospital.  I leave and come back.  I miss all the events from about 3:30am to 4:30 am.  When I walk back in there the frat boys are back.  I assume they are picking up their drunk friend.

Frat Boy Two:  OH! You’re back too!!

Me:  I never really got to leave.

Frat Boy Two:  We’re back again!

Me:  Getting your friend?

Frat President:  No we are here for a different person now.

Me:  Jesus!  You guys need to downgrade from the Solo beer cups to their smaller Freshman Cups.

Frat President:  Heh!  Next week I think I am going with Dixie, but this person is not alcohol related.

Me:  Oh! I am sorry.

At this point some other girl jumps in with her story that I did not care about.  We all politely laughed.  The Frat Boys went back to their adventure and then back into the hospital.  I kept watching Sports Center.

This did not end my adventure, but it does end my telling of it.  :)  I do have to give a special mention to the room my mother and I were in on cots.   It was a kids room, and was painted up like a jungle scene.  Right at the level of my cot was a gorilla with HUGE round eyes, and a nipple.  No matter how your moved, he was staring at you.  I might have gotten some actually sleep if the dude was not creeping me out.

He looked like this, only done by a real artist.

I really do have a list of good stuff to blog.  I promise to try and get to it this week.