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The Dog Ate My Chicken -

Today I was listening to Pandora on my phone while I was working. Free Bird came on. That song is friggin long. I went and had a long ass conversation with JediJesus, and came back, and Lyndard was still going on about Free Bird. I am sitting there going, “I hate this song. Why do I hate this song, it’s not actually a bad song. I KNOW WHY I HATE THIS SONG!!!”

I hate that song, because my parents are dicks. Seriously, you guys think I’m an asshole, man the nut did not fall far from the tree. My dad is a general contractor, and when I was little my sister and I wanted bunk beds, or bonk beds as Steph called them at that age.

My dad built them for us. They were so sturdy. Seriously, you could have hid under them in tornados and hurricanes and not going any where. There was this kick ass wooden ladder he made. Steph and I used for all sorts of stuff that had nothing to do with getting into the top bunk.

They were high too. Real high. Not like today’s bunk beds. There was no guard rail. Who the shit thought that was a good idea. “Let’s put the kid that can’t walk and chew gum at the same time into a top bunk 9 feet off the ground with no guard rail.” “Oh hey I know, she’s 9 and has broken her nose only twice, top bunk rail… psssh. Don’t be a wuss!” So yeah, I fell out of the bed. A lot. You’d think a guard rail would occur to someone. Nope, not my parents. I got, “What’s wrong with you? You trying to fly? Are you a free bird?” My mom would sing Free Bird to me to be an asshole. That’s right. MY MOM!! So next time I am being dickish just remember, “Don’t mind Nessa. She’s fallen off the top bunk one too many times.

 

3:16 PM HotPinkValentine:
i’m not sure if this is a joke or not….
PSU Bans the Playing of ‘Sweet Caroline’ at Football Games – over the line “touching you, touching me”

3:19 PM NessaNoBottom:
HAHAHA
LOL
Also banned is Turning Japanese
the Divinyls
Shit

3:20 PM HotPinkValentine:
i don’t get that
why

3:20 PM NessaNoBottom:
I can’t remember who sang the other song in my head
I THINK it might have been REO Speedwagon, but I an ont sure
I have to look
Billy Squire’s The Stroke
Because they are hyper-sensitive

3:23 PM HotPinkValentine:
Asians or PSU?

3:25 PM NessaNoBottom:
HAHAHA
I like that you needed clarification, Asians
I mean
LOL
I did not mean Asians
I meant PSU
I am laughing so hard right now

 

I am introducing TomatoRice in this post. TomatoRice is by far one of the nicest people I know. He is so sweet and innocent. I think when he talks to me, he gets beside himself. He has no idea what to do with me. He is kind of like HotPink Valentine when I first met her. So nice, sweet, and naive.

Oh! His name is TomatoRice, because he taught me to make tomato rice, which is completely ghetto and incredibly bomb.

Side note for the none-geeks: An IISReset is a restart Internet Information Services on a Windows server. It is magic that makes stuff on a network or over the internet work.

TomatoRice:
Do IISresets mess up people who are in the process of testing?

3:12 PM NessaNoBottom:
yes
well
sometimes
not always
it depends
If they are doing a search or running a report yes
If they are working on a form and no saving at the point of the reset no

3:13 PM TomatoRice:
Ok. If TeamCity is doing an iisreset, but doesn’t need to kick people off, should a warning email still be sent?

3:13 PM NessaNoBottom:
Booting them off the system, YES
Yes
Super yes
Because if you are running say the RDL report
and it takes 30 minutes

3:13 PM TomatoRice:
Ok

3:13 PM NessaNoBottom:
and I get screwed by an IIS Reset
I might shank the developer
or at least have really evil thoughts about shanking them

More messed up shit I say:
There was recently a baby kidnapped from a hospital around here, but a girl that is completely batshit insane.
http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/local/neighborhoods-city/boyfriend-of-woman-charged-in-baby-abduction-believed-she-was-pregnant-650354/

It is one of the few news stories I followed this week. I want you to know I was worried for the family that lost their baby, and prayed for them. I also feel really badly for the kid that thought he was going to be a dad. He really stepped up, and was ready to be a man. It is nice to see, and I hope he at least keeps on the track he started on. All of this does not change that fact that I am complete asshole.

NessaNoBottom:
It could be worse
Someone could say you my baby daddy, and then steal him a baby

3:21 PM HotPink Valentine:
truth

3:22 PM NessaNoBottom:
BonQuiQui 1: OOOH gurl that baby be cute. Who baby is day?
BonQuiQui 2: Mines.
BonQuiQui 1: Gurl when you have a baby? I didnt even know yous was pregnant.
BonQuiQui 2: Shooot gurl. Five finger discount. Ya know what i’m sayin’?

Too soon?

3:23 PM HotPink Valentine:
a lil

3:23 PM NessaNoBottom:
damn
I will try again next week
I have to get props for use of “mines” though

 

2:39 PM HotPink Valentine: lord
i’m like why isn’t this stupid phone charging?
i unplugged the cable and replugged it 3 times
um, HotPink … where is the other end of the plug?
IN YOUR HAND
YOU CANNOT POWER THE CABLE WITH YOUR MAGICAL BREASTS

2:45 PM Nessa NoBottom LIES!
We can come up with a way.
We can get a USB hub, and connect it to two pieces of wool.
Then we can put the wool between your boobs and have you jump on a trampoline.
BAM! BOOBIE CHARGER!

 

I’m sick, I’m going to hell, and I make everything bad. It’s my superpower. I’ve made peace with it.

HotPink Valentine :i have to RP in one of those ACA trainings at 1230
I never even got time to look at the script and having super hard time
retaining information
He didn’t want me looking off of the script but I really have no option.
he gave it to me last night before I left, I didn’t get home until
late and have been in meetings all morning
i should have just said no

Nessa NoBottom: :/
When you said RP, I got this funny picture in my head as you dressed
as a night, and saying Ye a lot.
THen maybe yelling HUZZAH!

HotPink Valentine: haha
too bad i’m a mechanic
glad I wore a dress today
i’m a journeyman mechanic
i keep saying, I love Journey
I can’t stop believing

11:07 AM Nessa NoBottom
You should wear a pencil behind your ear and play it with a new york accent]

HotPink Valentine: man i can hardly remember this

Nessa NoBottom: You need to use a funny accent just to screw with the
person you are rping with

HotPink Valentine:should I call everyone mooks and tell them to fagget about it

Nessa NoBottom: yes!
or moleys
yous moleys
i told yous moleys
I think it is I tool yous moleys
OR!
You could do it as Al Pacino in Scarface
jiggle and grab your crotch a lot.
shift your weight from foot to foot
swing your arms about wildly
rub underneath your nose a bunch adn sniffle

HotPink Valentine: yea this moley and I was standin on a pladform and I
din’t use da safety chain. So’s Joe bumps me, an I fly thru da air and
well, I sprained my ankle

Nessa NoBottom: hahaha

HotPink Valentine: i’ve never seen that either but I am picturin what
you’re saying

Nessa NoBottom: If you did it as Al Pacino it would be, “Me n dis
mook was standin on da fuckin platform, ya know? I was like, I don’t
need no fuckin safety chain. *grab crotch, shift weight* So Joe bumps
me and I am like, ‘da fuck Joe?! Den I goes flyin thru da air. That
fuck made me sprain my fuckin ankle. Now dat fuck don’t got no
ankle.”
I am really sorry if you go up there to do this part, and start cracking up.

HotPink Valentine: bahahaha
i’m going to pretend that I didn’t read this

 

I am a person who goes to the gym at 1pm, because everyone has left by then and I don’t have to deal with awkward nekkidness.

Today I almost died, and all I wanted to do was pee. I was in the bathroom, and I am just finishing up and I hear whistling. I stop. It kind of sounded like a man whistle so I start to bug out. I am thinking I am in the wrong bathroom, and I am frozen freaking out. The whistling continues.
I pull up my pants with the intent of getting he hell out of there. I have a button done, and there is whistling, then WHAM!!! My stall door swings open and there is this lady standing there.
I was relieved and terrified as the same time.

She was like, “OH!!! I’m SORRY!!! I did not see feet!” I am thinking, “do you always throw your body weight behind opening an unlocked door?”, but I say, “it’s okay.”
So I zip and flush and rush to the sink. The lady is a couple of stalls over opening and closing the door over and over again. She goes, “these locks are not very good.” I say, “clearly”
she goes, “I think the doors are misaligned.” I am thinking, “look lady this was really awkward, and you are making it worse. Just shut up and lets pretend it never happened. I am good with that. I say, “something” I just did not know how to respond. I just wanted to flee the scene.

I dry my hands on my pants, because I was not about to stand around at the blower thing. I fucking book out of there. The cracker jack whistler is still banging her damn stall door.

 

Butters was telling me he was trying to cheer up a friend. He wanted me to think of something funny to say to him. The following conversation ensued.

12:56 PM Me: Tell him, “What is green and has wheels?”

12:56 PM Butters: a pickle?

12:56 PM Me: no.. a pickle with wheels?

12:57 PM Butters: thats what i ment

12:57 PM Me: That is not the answer
I am questioning why you think a pickle has wheels

12:57 PM Butters: its othe only thing thats green with wheels

12:58 PM Me: A pickle… with wheels?
What kind of pickles are you eating?

12:58 PM Butters: i have nooo idea

12:58 PM Me: Grass… I lied about the wheels.
Though, I am pretty sure you could paste this entire conversation, because I am lmao over here.

 

We have Emile Clarke from Game of Thrones and my favorite Alexander Skarsgard.   I’ve been wanting to do Emile for awhile now, but she is either completely naked or completely dressed.   My web provider frowns on completely naked.  With Alexander, I went big.  I do love to look at him.

image

image

 

I overheard a conversation in line for lunch today.   It made me facepalm.  I only pray these people were interns.   They were going on about a party in Oakland, that reminds me of the Duquesne University Frat Boys.

I hear:

Girl:  I think his name was Kevin.
Guy:  haha, yeah Kevin Smith actually.
Girl:  *makes an I don’t understand your humor face*  why is that funny?
Guy:  You know Kevin Smith…
Girl:  *deer in headlights*
Guy:  Kevin Smith, he made a bunch of movies in the 80’s.  You know… Silent Bob.
Girl:  Oooh Kevin Smith.

In my head:  For fuck sake.  Shoot me now.   GET OUT OF LINE!!!!

 

Now Katie knows I get migraines. She knows when I have one I had in my room with a pillow and ice on my head. She knows I don’t like to talk or be bothered. For Kate this is an opportunity to test me.

Test 1: 9AM – The most terrifying words a mother could hear from a child.
Kate: Mom
Me: What?
Kate: My eye hurts!

I sit bolt upright.

Me: Don’t touch anything!!! LOOK AT ME! LOOK! LET ME SEE YOUR EYES

They’re perfectly white. No pink. No ooze. No more terror.

Me: You’re fine, it’s probably from letting the cat sleep on your pillow. Go wash your hands.
Kate: Why do I need to wash my hands?
Me: Because I am insane, humor me.

Test 2: A Bowl of Cereal

She got up at 9am and wanted a bowl of cereal. There was no chance of waking her father, because I had him up until after 4am whining about my head. He was out like a light. I was up. So she came asked for cereal, like 37 times. Now she can make her own cereal, except she wanted Rice Krispies and they were on top of the fridge. I got up, made my way down the stairs, slowly. Stop on the couch a bit to keep from puking, and then go to the kitchen.

I get the Rice Krispies she gets milk, flat marshmallows, and frozen raspberries. I ask what all that is, and she says it goes in her cereal. I go back to the couch.

Kate: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mom…
Me: What?!
Kate: you’re supposed to be making cereal.
Me: I know Kate, I am going to puke.
Kate: Okay I will cut up the marshmallow with a little knife.

In my head this is scarier than puking so I get up and chop up the marshmallow, dump the raspberries and milk in, and head back for the couch. Kate comes in turns on the TV, and turns it toward the dining room, and then goes to eat. I go back to my bedroom, and assume the pillow/ice pack position. About 5 minutes later Kate comes in.

Kate: I decided I don’t like raspberries any more.
Me: What’d you do with your cereal.
Kate: Nothing.
Me: Go put it by the sink. I will take care of it when I get up again.
Kate: Just kidding. I gave it to the cat. The milk will make him fart.
Me: Nice… there better not be a mess.

Test 3: An Egg

About an hour after Kate had cereal she wanted an egg.

Kate: Mom?
Me: What?
Kate: I want an egg from the fridge.
Me: All the eggs in the fridge need cooked. (For some reason my brain was telling me she wanted a hard boiled egg.)
Kate: I know. That is why I am telling you. I want an egg.
Me: I can’t cook an egg right now.
Kate: Well my father is sleeping. I want an egg.
Me: What kind of egg? (I am trying to figure out if I can reasonably cook an egg.)
Kate: Scrambled, but different colors.
Me: What color eggs do you want.
Kate: Yellow.
Me: Scrambled eggs are yellow! I will make an egg in a little bit.

Kate goes away. I don’t know how long. I think I fell asleep.

Kate: Mom. You said you would make an egg.
Me: Kate, my head hurts I am working on it.
Kate: Okay I am hungry for an egg.
Me: Alright. Can’t you ask your dad for an egg?
Kate: No you need to make it. I want it colors.
Me: But eggs are already yellow. Your dad can make it.
Kate: ughhhhh.

She leaves again. I don’t know how long.

Kate: Mom. You said you would make an egg.
Me: I know Kate.
Kate: You are not making an egg. You still have a pillow on your head.
Me: I know Kate.
Kate: Are you going to make me an egg?
Me: Eventually, otherwise you are going to be standing on my grave asking where your egg is.
Kate: Okay.. just make the egg soon.

Kate leaves. A few minutes later StudPuppy comes in and puts an arm around me.

Me: Let me go.
Studpuppy: Why?
Me: I have to go make Kate an egg. She has been bugging me for an egg all day. She’s never going to leave me alone.
…waits…
Me: Seriously, let me go. I don’t think she is going to go for “your dad is holding me hostage.” She is due back in here any minute now.

Within 5 minutes of me saying that the door opens.

Kate: Mom. Egg.
Me: I can’t, your dad is holding me hostage.
Kate: Just move his arm.
Me: I can’t
Kate: I think he loves you.
Me: I think so too.
Kate: Okay, just remember I want an egg.
Me: I know…

Kate leaves, I start to get up.

StudPuppy: Goin’?
Me: To make her friggin’ egg that she is not going to eat.

I go, I make the egg to her exact specifications. She takes 3 bites and says “I just remembered, I wanted a dippy egg.”

I say, “I am not making a damn dippy egg. You eat that egg! I am not making you anything else today! If you get hungry you eat that egg!” Then I go back to my room. I start hear thunder, and notice it is super dark. Since there is nothing I love more, and find more relaxing than a thunder storm, I ended up passing out for a bit.

The trials end here, because I kick StudPuppy out of the bedroom.